I’m finding it harder to find topics for my blog.

It’s much harder than finding ideas for my stories. I can easily think up unique, interesting, fun, usable stories every week for my picture books. How is that?

I’m thinking all the time. I am a quiet solitary person by nature. I have lots of think time. But somehow that does not translate into blog ideas. Or things to tweet on Twitter. Or Things to say on Facebook. Or emails to friends, or ways to connect with potential agents, or, or, or.

My brain seems to be wired for one thing. Picture books (and illustration ideas).

What’s the difference? Why do I have so many ideas for kids, for pretend, for fun, but so few ideas for everything else?

I wonder if after 46 weeks of concentrating on developing PB ideas, I’ve rewired my brain? Strengthened one skill and knocked out others? I’ll spend this week concentrating on blogs and tweets and posts. Let’s see if I can find anything.

It is now week 45 of my 52 First Drafts Project. That means I have written 45 first drafts of new picture books. When I sit back and just try to comprehend what that means, I am amazed. I was actually feeling more inspired than usual this week so have written ahead of pace. I have not only written PB 45, but  number 46 and have started 47.

This wasn’t really my plan, but am happy this has happened. My next three weeks are going to be very busy. SCBWI Summer Conference in LA is coming up and I am attending. On the week of the conference I want to be as free as possible  to take advantage of any opportunity that presents itself. Not having the pressure to creating a book that week will make that week easier. I may still write. but I won’t have to.

The conference is exciting. People attend for many reasons. 1) learn craft 2) meet agents and publishers 3) share their work 4) make new writer friends 5) see old friends 6) there are probably nearly as many respond as there are attendees. I go for several of these reasons, but mostly for 7) inspiration!

The last big conference I want to was a year and a half ago. It was the winter conference in NY. And I was sick. I had a bad cough and couldn’t really talk to people. Even without the human contact, I was inspired. I still think about things that were said during the keynotes. I still think about seeing some of the more established writers and hoping for a similar journey. I think about being surrounded by hundreds of writers and illustrators all dreaming of personal successes. Just a great, friendly atmosphere. I would look around and think about how I want to be a part of this. How I want this world to be familiar and comfortable.

I have some goals for this conference.

1. meet the organizers
2. introduce myself to agents
3. find some kindred spirits
4. enter the portfolio showcase
5. share my 52 First Drafts journey
6. get answers to a growing list of question I have been writing down
7. be involved in every activity
8. act outside of my comfort zone
9. chat, chat, chat

I would really love to come home with a list of new connections that I actually stay in contact with. Wouldn’t that be something.

For now I will just keep prepping for an amazing weekend. Is anyone else going? Be sure to say hi!

I started this blog as a natural companion to my 52 First Drafts Project. It serves several purposes.

1. It is a record of my journey.
2. It reminds me how important this project is to my writing.
3. It gives me yet another opportunity to write.
4. It connects me to others on similar journeys.
5. It’s a platform for what I have to say.
6. It shows industry professionals I have an online presence.
7. Accountability. It helps me continue my weekly writing.
8. It’s something for my mom and dad to see.
9. It helps me find new friends, possible critique partners, and confidants.

My goal was never to have a large readership, just to write. Of course the fantasy of a little fame and fortune did skirt around the edges of my mind; mostly as a ‘wouldn’t it be fun’ idea, not an ‘I really want this to happen’  idea.

Recently my blog became a featured blog on the front page of the SCBWI website. Go there; you’ll see it. It’s the first one. My name and blog title will be seen by everyone who goes there for the next two months.

This is what I wanted when I started this blog; a way for people to find it and follow me.

Awesome, right? Right? Right? So people are going to be reading what I write? Isn’t that why we write? Now everything I write will have to be good. So many possible eyes, such talented eyes, other writers! How was my last post? Terrible. Maybe I should take it down. But the one before it isn’t any better. I could ask them to remove my blog from the blogroll. Blah, blah, blah.

Yes, that is the monolog that when through my head.

Imposter Syndrome – The feeling that despite your accomplishments, you are a fraud and don’t deserve what you are achieving.

Lots of people experience it. I just read up on it. Lots of people. It can, in fact, be crippling to some people. Their thoughts become a self-fulfilling prophecy. They believe they are not deserving and soon they stop meeting the standards they are so capable of achieving.

So how long did this feeling last with me? About 20 minutes. Far from crippling.

I replaced those thoughts with these.

1. This is an opportunity to step up my blog.
2. Now I have more motivation to keep up with the blog.
3. …Which will give me more motivation to keep writing my 52 first drafts.
4. This is another opportunity to get my name and voice out there.
5. I now feel more like I am a part of this community.
6. What is the opposite of imposter syndrome? Thats what I was left with. I feel stronger about my worth and abilities. Heck, look at me, I’m a featured blogger at SCBWI!

Years ago I started a list. I titled it “Things I have Done.” I keep in in a folder on my computer desktop. This list includes everything I am proud of. It includes awards, certifications, places visited, successes both professionally and personally, relationships, things that make me feel good about myself going back as far as I can remember. I continually add to the list. In times of self doubt I can open the list and say, “Wow, look what I’ve done. That took a whole lot of work and I deserve to be where I am.” I’ll have to remember to add ‘featured on SCBWI blogroll’ to the list.

Oh, and let me not forget – Week 44 and I have now write 44 first drafts!

Now go out there and make your own list. Big things, little things, everything. Put it where you can see it. The next time something occurs that weakens your confidence, look at the list and remember how amazing you are.

Here I am at week 43. I was writing my 43rd story and was loving it. My characters were some of my best. It was funny. I was finding the voice I always want to write with, but often seems elusive. Plotting was coming naturally.

I was quite proud of my work. I had not planned or plotted a thing in advance, but the characters were taking me on the journey. I hardly had to think; the story just flowed out.

I could see where it was headed. I knew what needed to happen next, so I took a little break.  I had a snack, played with the dogs, cooled my feet in the pool, and thought about the story: How perfect it was. How well written it was. How it would be snapped up by the first editor who read it …

How I had just rewritten one of the most popular picture books in recent years. Drats! Now that I had some separation from it, I could see the similarities.

I was about to scrap it. How disappointing. It was one of my favorite things I had written in a while. Oh well, I would start something new. It wouldn’t be the first or last time this would happen.

But I couldn’t get it out of my head. Could it be saved?

Really there were only two things in common with the famous book, and one of those things hadn’t been written yet. The first thing was simply a common theme among many books. It was their combination that has unique and couldn’t be repeated.

Was I reading too much into it? Everything else was different: My beginning, my point of view, my characters, my new ending. I was safe. I could continue.

I asked my characters to try again. We took a few steps back and started moving. They had such a strong self they were able to take a new path flawlessly. I often hear other writers talk about how if you know your characters intimately, they will write their own stories. This was certainly true in this case.

The story is now very much its own.

I’m glad I kept with it. I’m glad I trusted what I had created to be unique. Now I have a story I will want to share.

Can we ever create a unique story? Is it possible to come up with a truly unseen idea? If we have an idea similar to something we are familiar with did we subconsciously steal it? I really don’t think I did in this case. Are we now just telling old stories in new ways? Is retelling an old idea bad? Where is the line between plagiarizing an idea, using an idea intentionally but putting your own twist on it, and independently coming up with a similar idea?

OK. I got that out of my system. I just wrote a whole blog post about how I didn’t want to complain about writing a weekly blog post.

It came across as very complainy.

Luckily I had the good sense to not post it right away. I waited two days and now that post is gone. With some time to reflect, I can now say how lucky I am to have so many projects and the time to work on them. And, I can say that with honesty.

If any of you ever hear me complain about having a lot to do, you have permission to give me a little slap. Note: Please make it very little as I have a low tolerance for pain, and I abhor violence. Thank you.

That all said, though I do feel lucky to have lots to work on, I am only human. I have moments of stress. That’s what this all boils down to. I give myself an aggressive work load with deadlines. I meet all of those deadlines. Sometimes at the last minute. Often I am tempted to change these deadlines. After all they are not “real.” I just made them up for me. But I don’t change them and push through.

Personally, this is how I get things done. Without those deadlines, I would do nothing. So I give myself the stress (which is actually very rare), but it all balances out. Truthfully I think I would have more  stress without the pressure of deadlines because I would beat myself up about not completing anything. We all find what works for us.

40 weeks! Time to celebrate.

I love milestones. With any goal I set, I create milestones along the way. And I celebrate them all. Today iI had ice-cream and cookies.

Ok, I know I have 40 PB first drafts, and that should be a big enough prize. The results should be their own reward, but the ice-cream and cookies certainly help too.

Have I mentioned before that I’m not good at self motivation? I’m not. I’m always surprised when I get anything done. This 40 weeks is a huge accomplishment. I’m mostly surprised that I haven’t wanted to quit yet. This is exactly the kind of thing I would normally talk myself into. I might decide that I’m bored, or have gotten enough benefit from the exercise. Not this time.

I keep going. I have twelve weeks left. Three months of writing. Something else good is bound to appear out of my pencil. And I am proud to say that I am happy with my week 40 book. It got a smile out of my husband which is always encouraging. It’s very different, very meta. Short, sweet, cute, funny. It makes me happy.

And I have next weeks story all mapped out which is a nice change. In recent weeks my stories have been popping out at the last minute. It will be a happy change to have six whole days to work on  a draft. I’ll be able to work nice and slow. Slow to me now means six days instead of one. I’m guessing that isn’t really slow to most people. How perspectives change. That perspective is definitely a product of the last 40 weeks.

Villains. We all love to hate them. Everyone except me. I tend to completely ignore them, at least in my writing.

Last week one of my critique partners shared an article about ways to be evil in a children’s book. After reading the article I realized I don’t write villains. Rarely.  I have plenty of conflict. There is always something for the main character to overcome, but it’s rarely another person.

So this week I invented a villain. My first idea was too big. Maybe in the future I will work on that idea. I needed something else. I haven’t written any animals in a while, so I created an animal story. I have not one, but dozens of villains. Pretty much every animal in the forest.

I find it interesting that I don’t write villains. Is it that I don’t see people as bad? Maybe. Or does my brain just find sticky situations and personal demons more interesting to overcome. I’ll do some villainous thinking in the next few weeks and see what I come up with.

For the past 24 hours I have turned off the computer, left my art supplies on their self, and made my notepad a no-work zone. Why? I had friends over. Here in Merida, Mexico! Friends! Friends from the States were passing through. It was such a nice surprise. They only had a day, but it was so nice to pretend like we had normal lives again. We went sightseeing, swam in the pool, cooked in, ate out, laughed and talked. Talked, talked, talked. Talked like old friends. The thing is, we really aren’t.

We haven’t known them very long. We met at a conference in Portland, Oregon less than a year ago. The World Domination Summit. A conference in which people who want to live extraordinary lives get together to encourage each other to do just that. Months later we all happened to be in Chiang Mai, Thailand at the same time. We spent two weeks together sharing some fantastic adventures. True bonding time.

What do we talk about? We all have big goals and bid dreams, but what’s really important is that we are all actively perusing them. We are four people leading unconventional lives in order to continue on our paths. It was so good to encourage and be encouraged by others on similar journeys.

My life strategy for success when I used to be an actor was to surround myself with people who were better than me so I could learn and rise to their level. No longer.

With a few years on me now, I have adapted this. I no longer think that anyone is better than me. Ha. Now, I look to surround myself with people who are further along in their journeys than I am, whether they are fellow writers and illustrator, or in any other field.

This is a reason I am looking forward to the SCBWI conference this summer. Hundreds of people who are actively working on their writing careers. Many who are published. Most have been at this longer than I. It’ll be my time to soak it all in. Hopefully I’ll make some new friends along the way. People who understand the journey. People to add to my support group.

Phew!

Back on track. Not that I was worried, but last weeks first draft was in rhyme. Because of that, it took me three days longer than usual to complete. Luckily, this week’s came to me pretty easily and I was able to get it done by my usual deadline of Tuesday. Guess what? this one was in rhyme too. That’s what took me so much time last week. The rhyme. And here I was doing it again. But this one came together. This one was for a slightly younger audience, so the writing was a bit easier.

My biggest problem … forget that … my biggest blessing is that I have found my art again. It is slowly creeping in each day and taking up more and more of my time.  I was going to make this year all about the writing, and it has been. I’ve learned so much. But now that I find myself with art supplies and a space to work, I can’t keep away. I just want to improve, improve, improve.

I’ve also committed myself to entering the portfolio showcase at the SCBWI summer conference in LA. I still have a lot of work to do on that front.

I can find the time for all of it if I let myself. Now is the time. Not tomorrow. Now. Jump with both feet. Be bold. Make mistakes today, so tomorrow I can improve.

I tell myself these things over and over. Now I’m starting to believe it. Beyond that, I am starting to live it!

Week 35 and 35 first drafts!

Well, almost.

I actually met with my first deadline failure. I was chugging along strong this week. I had the idea. It was actually a very old idea, an idea that I’ve had since I was a child. I started writing and it seemed as if things were going to be pretty easy. Heck, this story had been floating around in the back of my head for 30-35 years. So, I slowed down. Tuesday came and It wasn’t written yet. I did an early Tuesday morning crunch, but the story wouldn’t come out. It’s always worked before. I had the story in my head, but the words wouldn’t come together.

What to do? I trashed it. I started a completely new story. This one was inspired by a pencil sketch I had just completed.

The problem?

It just cried out for rhyme. There was no other way to tell the story. Rhyme can take a long time to get right. So here I am. Thursday morning and still no story. It’s coming along, but it’s not there yet.

All this really means is that I’ll have less time to come up with an idea, and scribble it onto paper, next week. This isn’t really a worry, but I don’t want it to become a habit. Good habits are so hard to develop in the first place. I’d say a first draft a week is a pretty good habit.

35 weeks! Did I mention that? 35 first drafts (almost) written, and 17 weeks to go. Wow! I’m so excited I’ve made it this far.